Quitting Smoking

So i have tried a million times but i need to break this habit, i know it is not good for me it is just another thing i "punish" myself with, i have signed up with a quit smoking helpline on line i am going to try the gum and i can succeed i know it won't be easy but who knows it may be me who is making it harder to do..... I seem to have that thought in my mind that i can be one of those old people who smoke or that there wrong in there finding's on smoking anything to make it okay in my own head, all the usual excuses like i will gain weight, i will be nasty and loose my temper ANXIETY - well guess what i have put on weight while smoking i do loose my temper i am normal and i am beating anxiety so i have to throw it all out the window and take a leap of faith I Amanda Can Beat this too.   I may ramble on or have my freak out moments i have set my day for tomorrow and will warn my family, but i know they will support me i am my own worse enemy but that too is changing i can and will conquer this for not only me but my beautiful family.

January 12th Journal Entry

How can i go from such a "high" happy feeling to such a low....

The torn feeling of wanting to break the bubble and fly with the feeling of wanting to curl up and hide. What changed in me to bring on the fear when fear never had a place in my life before.

I know i am not weak yet why do i feel that way, I have everything i have ever wanted yet i am a prisoner of my past which i survived.

I have always said i would not change the past because of what i have today so why is it haunting me now..........................

After writing this and reading it over the next few days i realize that i lived in terror in the past but to survive i bottled up all my emotions and never let them surface that is how i survived the abuse the mind games the torment. Now i have a wonderful husband and family i am allowing emotions to surface so one by one i have to rid myself of the past and let it go .